Are You Gaslighting -

unintentionally?

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 Gaslighting has become a word with strong negative associations. The main reason for this is, we often identify the person gaslighting as a cruel, controlling, narcissist whose sole purpose is to manipulate others for his/her own gain. But, who is this narcissist? How did s/he become a narcissist? Should we feel sorry for him? Hate her? Try to save her? Maybe we should run from him as quickly as we can?  

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What is often missed, even dismissed, when discussing the act of gaslighting is that average, regular, good, folks gaslight people, as well. 

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There are two types of congenial people who use the tool of gaslighting.

The first are those who gaslight - try to make someone's reality a non reality - with what they consider "good" intentions. 

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Take, for example, an artist who thinks her work is terrible or a friend who feels he is a failure. The last thing most people would say is, "Yes, your art is dreadful!" or "You are a complete disaster!" Most people would refute the artist and friend's assertions. Even if the assurer believes the artist's work is horrendous, s/he would say something like,"Your work is great. Don't be so hard on yourself." In the case of the friend, most people would insist the friend is wrong - even if said friend has had a terrible history of caring for himself. 

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That is attempting to alter someone's reality.

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Several therapies exist where altering one's reality - shifting one's thoughts of focus from hurtful, damaging images to positive, helpful ones - is fundamental. These therapies have proven to change one's outlook and enhance one's life. The difference with these therapies is the denial of hurtful thoughts/ realities is not called into play only the shifting of focus is expected.

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What does that mean?

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Take this example as an answer: if a child falls, scrapes his knee, and sees blood seeping from his broken skin, he is likely to start crying - if not over the severity of the injury then over the shock and fear from the incident. An adult (with years of experience witnessing cuts and wounds) might recognize that the scrape is minor. Wishing to stop the child from crying or panicking or feeling the pain, the adult might say, "Oh that's nothing; just a little scrape" or "It doesn't really hurt. It's no big deal." In saying something along those lines, the good meaning adult neglects to realize that to the child, seeing his own blood - particularly for the for the first time - is more than nothing. To the child, the sharp, burning, sensation of the scrape is contrary to anything he has ever felt. To The Child, the (new) sensation coupled with the shock from the fall defines the feeling as "hurt." To the Child, he is hurt; and he is taking the situation very seriously. A trusted adult stating that the child's experience is wrong (is not what he sees) distorts the child's reality of what he is witnessing. He is shocked, sees blood, is afraid, and feels pain, but the adult is telling him he does not see what he sees. This approach is unhelpful. In fact, this can be is harmful.

Actually helping the child, involves seeing the situation from his perspective. The adult can say, "Oh, you fell. Are you O.K?" Such a question encourages the child to do a quick mental assessment of himself. We humans do this subconsciously when asked how we are doing. If the scraped knee is the child's focus, acknowledging the scrape is important."Look at that. You skinned your knee. Does it burn? Tingle?" This question acknowledges the situation, and gives the child (new?) words to identify the feelings signalling from his knee. "That's interesting." Such a statement piques the child's curiosity. Now he is asking questions, if only in his mind, what's interesting? An injury can be interesting? "I see you scraped some layers of skin back. See that red?" Oh no! Scary "About two layers of skin was scraped back. Can you see the skin?" Oh... yeah. "May I try to straighten/move your leg? Shall we see if anything is broken?" This question shifts the child's focus to the realization that his injury could be worse than it is. It also reassures him that "things are not worse." The message of "being OK" is allowed to sink into the child's mind, bringing him to a state of willingness. At this stage he is willing to either get over the injury: "it's no big deal. I am O.K " or move to the next step: "It hurts, but what should I do, now?" Depending upon the child, the next step might be a play by play of cleaning, covering then being careful with the injury or he might run off completely done with the entire experience. Either way, many lessons have been passed on to the child in a few short minutes. Lessons that builds the Child's self awareness, observational skills, injury knowledge, and coping abilities. Building a child's ability to cope is one of the greatest gifts adults can give a child. Most children will feel good about having managed the incident so - maturely. 

 

Actually helping  - anyone - involves Acknowledgement: I see your problem; Reassurance: I also see how you might have come to that conclusion, and a Solution: to what their focus could be shifted. 

 

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The flip side to gaslighting with caring intent, is gaslighting with malice.

There are "good" people who gaslight due to feelings of insecurity or hurt, feeling "less than" or any version of adverse feelings. They are "fighting back" at individuals or experiences (often developed in the past) that caused the injurious emotion. Often this retaliation is in the form of trickery, making fun of or bad mouthing "the transgressor."

Let's be clear: the deliberate act to mislead, confuse or ruin a person's reputation is malicious because the desire is to take from that individual. Whether it is taking that person's clarity, their peace, their joy, their pride, their control, their position in another's mind/heart it is equal to or worse than taking someone's money or home; money can be re-made, a home can be repurchased, a person's reputation or sense of self can be far more challenging to regain. 

The idiom, 'Messing with someone' or 'Messing with someone's head' is altering the target's state of reality - usually allowing the trickster to feel better (more powerful, more in control, more relief from feeling bad), even if only temporarily.

Young people behave this way, regularly, with each other as they jockey to establish power. This behaviour is often deemed "harmless"as they are "only teasing" each other. Kids will be kids, everyone experiences this child play, some say, refusing to accept that many individuals find this conduct hurtful - if not damaging. What happens when this behaviour is brought into adulthood? We see this conduct in the work place, amongst athletes, between family members and friends. What happens when it is used against a loved one?

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An associate visited her parents' home (long before we ever uttered the expression, COVID19). She was busy in her childhood room when she heard her father suddenly shouting, stomping then cursing  in frustration. Rushing to her father's aid, the associate witnessed her father walking from the television set to his chair then slumping into the chair. Within seconds, he leapt from his chair, cursing, stomped to the television set, fiddle behind it then returned, even more agitated, to his chair. Upon asking her father what was going on, he explained a recent problem where the remote control would suddenly die and change the channel from the program he was watching. The associate examined the remote control her father had which indeed had no effect on the TV. Examining the remote more closely, she realized her father had the wrong remote for the television set. Accepting that her father was too focused on his program and vexed by the situation to listen to her explanation, the young woman approached her mother who was in the next room. She was certain that her mother, who always knew where everything was, would be able to find the right remote control for the television set, solving her father's problem. Upon entering the room, the young woman's mother had her back to her, and she noticed her mother's shoulders shaking. Alarmed, she rushed to comfort her mother, assuming she was crying over her father's outbursts. As she turned her mother to face her, the associate realized, her mother was not crying but actually laughing. Her mother was laughing so hard, tears streamed down her cheeks. It was at that moment, the associate saw a remote control in her mother's hand, and a horrible realization came over her. "Mom," she said, "Are you switching the channel to drive Dad crazy?" When her mother laughed, desperately wiping tears from her face, the young associate asked, "Why would you do that? Don't you see how upset he is?" Her mother sobered long enough to reply, "He has his entertainment; I have mine." 

The associate explained that when her father worked, he put in long hours that essentially brought him home only to eat and sleep - even on holidays. When he retired, her mother expected that they would finally spend their leisure time, together: taking trips and doing the things they could not do when he was employed. Instead, her mother complained, her father only wanted to sit in front of 'his' television set, watching 'his programs.'

 

The mother's trickery was due to years of waiting, wanting, and accepting less of her husband's time (being neglected over his job), only to be discounted and neglected, once again. This time she was neglected for her husband's favourite television programs. Instead of the mother admitting her hurt, she chose to express herself in a way that caused her husband the anger and frustration that she felt. 

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Are you altering someone's reality with good intention?

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If you find, you are telling another that their reality is not real then the answer is, "yes." Please stop.

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Why?

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Altering someone's reality to make them feel better, might be causing them more harm than good. You may have honourable intentions, but, believing is knowing until one believes something else. Telling someone a 'lie' is denying what what they believe/know is true. Lying to someone may create for them even greater discord because denying another's reality, may force them to call into question their ability to know what they know; you may be encouraging their questioning of self even more so - which is the opposite outcome of your intention. So, stop. Tell the truth as you see it. Say to the artist, "I don't understand your art, but, all famous artists have their specific following" or "Many great artists supplemented their income in other ways in order to pursue their passion." Tell your friend who feels hopeless, "Your history is challenging. Many people take time finding the way suited to them. I trust you will do that. What gifts do possess that you can share with the world/capitalize upon?" In both scenarios you have acknowledged the individual's truth then shifted their focus to possible solutions. Shifting focus can be challenging, but, it is better than being told that what you know is not what you know.

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Are you "messing with someone" because it makes you feel better about yourself?

 

If you are creating confusion in someone's mind where there is actually no confusion: if you are lying to your loved one to "get away" with something or to "avoid consequences" for your behaviour; if you want to avoid owning your action/ behaviour so your loved one will not be angry or sad or see the worst in you - the answer is yes, and it is in your best interest to stop this behaviour.

 

If you are akin to the associate's mother, you know you are "messing with someone's head." More importantly, you know why you are intentionally inflicting harm onto them. You may be hurt, insecure, feeling "less than," threatened, unworthy - aka unloved - but stop the behaviour. You must stop because you are living a dishonest life. The reason you are "acting out," the reason you are "lashing out" is because looking in, hurts. Avoiding, discounting, suppressing the pain, turning a blind eye to the source or pretending the reason for the pain does not exist is cheating the person most important and relevant to you - yourself. 

The worst thing you can do is live dishonestly. The worst thing you can do to yourself is accept the lie that you are anything other that the incredible being that you are - the perfectly imperfect human being - in spite of what someone (who was probably quite hurt his/herself) expressed to you. 

 

Nelson Mandela said, “When a man is denied the right to live the life he believes in, he has no choice but to become an outlaw.” 

 

 

Stop being the outlaw in your life.

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Whether with loving or malicious intent, a little thing like dishonesty - let's call it what it is - a lie, creates distress all around you. From yourself to your intimate circle to the customer in the hardware aisle, lies create disharmony, discord, and as described by many professionals, dis-ease (disease). Dis ease spreads from one person to another to another... then we wonder why the world is in turmoil.

 

Whatever the motivation that once described your actions, the benefit to all is to observe, assess then recognize your impact.

 

As we continue through our day, we each have impact on the world which begins at our core truth. When we aim for the integrity of that truth, less pain will be experienced intentionally or unintentionally. 

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Psst... not sure how to access your truth?

Pay attention to yourself for the day. The week...

Note your exchanges with the people around you - literally, get a note book. Write what people have said to you, what you said to them, and how those conversations made you feel. The purpose is to be aware of you.

Look for things like:

• Not remembering saying/doing things that others say you did.

• Being aware of your body. Are you saying you are not angry but your body is tense or your voice is restricted?

• Is "The Problem" always someone else's fault?

• Do your loved ones need constant 'fixing' i.e. criticisms/reminders of your rightness? 

• Are you using "outsiders" to support/validate your loved one's lack?

• Maybe, in the worse case scenario, other people do not want to be around you?

• Do you make comments or do "tiny things" to aggravate loved ones? Do you try to push them to a point where they will get angry, cry or yell at you?.

• Maybe you often accuse people of being petty or over reacting.

• Do you lie when confronted?  

• Do you regularly push the boundaries of  your partner's, child's, friend's, parent's unconditional love of you - making them prove their love for you?

 

Review your day, your week. Congratulations. That was the hardest part.